So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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