she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
