After last night, I could never be a politician.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
