apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
