it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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