ya dads aren't the best wingmen
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
