you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
