Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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