I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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