those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
