You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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