every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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