i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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