I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
