That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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