I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
