Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
