After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
