I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
