if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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