I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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