M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
