Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
