you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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