You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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