she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
