we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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