First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
