I think I won the penis lottery.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
