Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
