Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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