I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
