Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
