I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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