Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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