Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
