I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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