end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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