My liver just broke up with me...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
