I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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