"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
