im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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