Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize