Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
