a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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