I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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