If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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