whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
