I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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