in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
