Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
