plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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