i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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