now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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