i'm signing you up for texting rehab
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
