So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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