dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize