apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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