I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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