when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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