I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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