Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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